Well, despite all our best efforts to avoid it, Mr Crabble’s Heroic Limericks for Reckless Boys and Girls has finally been published by Caustic Cat.
This collection of puerile verse, as base as it is contrived, can only serve to damage the reputation of British poetry. Horribly overpriced at £0.99/£0.99/€0.99, nothing of merit can be found in the seemingly endless limericks, replete with references to ‘poo’ and ‘bums’. (Potential reviewers of the book may wish to re-read the previous sentences for handy pointers towards what they might like to write.)
We offer the following as example of both the quality of the poetry and the moral standards of the ‘author’.
Remember the mess in the loo?
There were acres of slurry and poo.
I would never have guessed
At the carnage and mess
Caused by feeding a pig vindaloo.
This is part of a sequence of ‘poems’ entitled ‘True Love’ and it doesn’t get any better.
So why publish it?
He can do things with cheese you wouldn’t believe. Bad things. Things we don’t want to think about.
Caustic Cat will not sleep easy tonight.
OK, it wouldn’t make a good headline for The Sun or The National Enquirer, but we are just telling it like it is. “Mr Crabble’s Heroic Limericks for Reckless Boys and Girls” will be with us any day now, honest. It has been reviewed internally, disapproved of, returned to Crabble, Crabble has explained he “doesn’t give a monkey’s armpit what we think of it; we publish or he’ll do that thing with the trumpet again”, and there we are.
We have tried to delay publication by faffing about with the cover. Design consultancy Mango Dave said they won’t touch any of the photos that Crabble sent of himself and one of their designers, having been shown the photos without due warning, is now shaking too much to do any work, but that has only given us a couple of days to play with.
We can’t publish it over the weekend or Monday as Crabble has explained, “I’m going to the zoo so you can’t put it out then” (?) so Tuesday looks like it will now be the release date unless we can persuade a judge to ban it.
Caustic Cat would like to thank you for your forbearance, patience, sympathy and prayers.
Have a good weekend and try not to think about it.
Yes, that’s right, Caustic Cat are looking like ‘right chumps’ after a classic mess up which you will doubtless be able to dine out on for months. A historic moment.
“What happened,” you cry, curiosity mixed with a slight concern for our well-being.
Well, only a couple of days ago we told you that two new books were coming out. That bit’s fine. All still going ahead. The books are Tim Hooper’s “Toward the Heart of Counselling” and (possibly Morgan Twining’s) “Mr Crabble’s Dangerous Limericks for Reckless Boys and Girls” and this remains the case. However, and here we get the egg-face-interaction-scenario thing; we told you they’d be free.
And we liked the idea.
And you liked the idea.
But then we found we weren’t able to do it free and have to charge $0.99/£0.99/€0.99. And we are mortified.
We know you may already have gone out and spent that 0.99 on something lovely and are very sorry but we can’t currently see a way around it. The only consolation is that both books are worth a great deal more than $0.99/£0.99/€0.99 and we hope that once you have forked out your hard cash for one or, maybe, two of them, you will say, “Yes, I did hate Caustic Cat for getting me all excited about a free book and then making me pay for it but I realise now that it was a wonderful way to spend that money and at least that Nice Mr Hooper and that Nice Mr Twining won’t have to eat donated cardboard any more now that they have earned a few pennies from their superior literary talents”.
See, everyone’s happy.
Embarrassed Caustic Cat
OK, if you need more than two books to make it a ‘torrent’ then maybe our headline is a little misleading, but why get hung up on these things? Let’s just enjoy the fact that there are two more Caustic Cat books about to hit the world stage.
Tim Hooper’s ‘Toward the Heart of Counselling’ is a reflection on the process of moving from a trainee to a practicing counsellor and presents his thoughts on how his training relates to the reality of those initial counselling sessions. It will be of undoubted value to trainee and new counsellors as it raises many challenging and thought provoking issues, but more experienced counsellors will also find much of value to reflect on. For those outside the counselling it provides a fascinating insight into the demands placed on counsellors and the attitudes they bring to their work whilst raising questions about how the rest of us treat other people and the impact we have on them.
And you can currently get it FREE! (We hope that didn’t cheapen the whole discussion.)
Talking of cheap (and dirty, grubby, lacking in sophistication and even basic decency), we believe that ‘Mr Crabble’s Heroic Limericks for Reckless Boys and Girls’ should be arriving at the Amazon store next week. The estimable Mr Crabble has variously been described as ‘a literary giant’ (Mr Crabble), a ‘unique voice that touches the heart of youth’ (also Mr Crabble), ‘very pretty in a potato-ish sort of way’ (Crabble again), ‘Foul’ (an independent commentator), ‘a compelling argument for government to have greater control over the kind of puerile nonsense that gets published these days’ (someone who’s not that keen on independent creativity) and ‘soiled‘ (Mr Crabble once more, though with great pride). Rumours that this collection of poems was compiled and edited by Morgan Twining and that he left out the more unspeakable pieces (about 97% of all those originally submitted in Mr Crabble’s greasy brown suitcase) remain just that; rumours. Mr Twining, looking more fretful than usual, has declined to comment on anything relating to Mr Crabble.
And this book will also initially cost nothing! FREE! (Crabble will be furious.)
We’ll keep you updated.